I’m so fucking exhausted! Insomnia drops streaks of white like snow falling in a hurry. It’s been dark for hours and thoughts fall heavier by the minute I’m trying to find peace but instead, my body tightens through the shoulders, fettled by expectation, exhausted wanting to breathe length in my form. Here I am lengthening, reach, … More Insomnia, streaks of self-entanglement
I’m trying to talk to you, anxiety’s on this freeway too, you are trying to follow your friend’s car in a town that’s new to only me. but, then my purse spills out every stray stowage out of my car and I’m trying to drive and grab my purse floating above my head Fuck, above … More Anxiety’s glaring distractions
Sorrowful Paper Scribbles Diary excerpt from Tuesday, February 28th, 2017 . Pure anxiety all day it was like climbing up a tall mountain without the relief of getting to the other side. . The view, the rest, the moment you way effort against the outcome. . No panic attack. . Panics attack have an end because … More Tuesday, February 28th, 2017
Wednesday the 1st of March Bear Mountain, Southern California Snowboarding was such a beautiful relief from the constant presence from the feeling, Everything is going to fall apart. You can’t think, You don’t feel anything, just everything This snow buried that large, red, flashing, sadist button ‘let the dysregulation begin’ Anxious needles are cocked ready … More Wednesday the 1st of March 2018
My bones flutters from the basic terror that inhabits my daily struggle. . Struggle forward. . My rickety but willfully unable body. I’ll stay strong in reserve. . But at last the sweet release of rest, of consciousness paused. . Then. Before the dreams formed of realist trample this once lucid ground. Usually for dreams, … More ruminations before bed, 12.3.18
There wasn’t rest for me, I lived in a prisons coated in scintillating hallow praise.
It all hurt(s). All of it.
These are the scar along my being, just not the core, scars do not equal a being.
An extension of human experience so ugly and unfathomable it is easier to try and discredit.
Often, this happens. People are disqualified from life, humanity, and protection there in because them coping with their pain isn’t Lifetime materials.
Where’s that sunny disposition?
Discredit a life unknown, ugly cries to be ignored and devalued in hindsight.
It’s annoying. … More Iron Veins, trying towards life.
An Update. We’ve mangled and meandered our way to Washington State. In this post, I write about our nightmarish and unavoidable journey back home to Washington State, land of some wonderful social service resources. … More We’ve landed. Washington State. *life event update*